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YOUR LAWYER SUCKS!!! and so does your dentist!

Tuesday, September 4, 2007 – 7:25 pm

freedom isn’t free!

it costs about US$4000.

but i will say this: I DON’T CARE WHO HE OR SHE IS, YOUR LAWYER SUCKS!!

now, why would i say that?

well, because there is no way in hell that your lawyer could have possibly done what mine did today.

let’s go back, shall we?

around this time last year, a certain very handsome fellow who may or may not have had 6 Maker’s and Sodas decided that he would drive his truck home from the Longbranch Inn.

well, since he didn’t want to do anything illegal by u-turning in the middle of the street, he decided to turn right down a dark, unlit 10th street. noticing that it was dark, he saw a barricade trying to block his right turn. but that barricade was no match for his 1991 Ford F150. so he decided to go around the barricade.

as mr. handsome drove down the dark unlit street, suddenly he saw many friendly faces running towards his truck. he thought they were trying to soak in his handsomeness. but those friendly faces weren’t friendly at all. in fact, they were yelling at our hero. yelling bad and mean things at him. so, naturally, mr. handsome hero decided to ignore them.

as he looked further down the street, he noticed another barricade, just like the one he had just driven around. except this time, there was a policeman leaning on the side of his car watching mr. herohandsome. and this policeman wasn’t very friendly either.

as it turns out, our hero had driven onto the set of Friday Night Lights. a crappy tv show about high school football that has less to do with the book than the shitty movie that was made from it.

it also turns out that our hero had fucked up a bunch of people’s evening. a bunch of unfriendly-faced people’s shitty tv show evening. who were willing to testify against our hero. even though our hero would be willing to bet that all those same unfriendly people have and still do exactly what he may or may not have done that evening.

let’s cut to today.

i walked into court expecting to get a conviction of a dwi, 2 years probation or the option of jailtime, a shit ton in court costs and fines, and some community service peppered in there.

on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best (a dismissal of all charges), i was expecting about a 2 or 3. in other words, the shittiest lawyer in the world (YOURS) could have got me that and i could have still assaulted a witness.

but my wonderful –NAY– MAGICAL attorney, Charlie Grant, got me a 9!

that’s right! he got that shit dismissed with deferred prosecution.

don’t ask me what that means, but it’s a whole lot cheaper! god damn!!!

it really means that i agree to plead guilty and pay for a couple of tickets.

but if i don’t fuck up for a year, it gets dismissed and wiped off my record.

also, my dentist is a bad ass too, but i will save that for another post.

here is his website.
(i’m not rich, whole foods just has badass insurance.)

to be brief, he doesn’t use mercury, blah blah blah, has cable tv goggles, and lasers and shit.

but to sum up the day: not only is my dentist better than yours, BUT MY LAWYER IS A GENIUS!!!!!!

oh, and come to the show at trophy’s this saturday.

luv,
the t.