my quebecois friend, Corey, has an impressive remix of the Ballad of Mean and Nasty!
i freakin love it!
and you can hear it: >>here<<
stay tuned for my contribution to Ver6….!
in other masonic news, we’re playing at the mohawk next week on December 13th.
then, at free week @ Emo’s on January 5th.
then, back at the Beauty Bar on January 15th, which should be a pretty bad ass show if it is half as good as our last set there!
luv,
t
real busy
hi folks!
i just got home from the full-on premiere of the Lusty Limbless Lesbos film!
i can’t say i didn’t feel just wee bit out of place, considering i was slightly older than everyone in the room.
and by ‘older’ i mean ‘heterosexual male’.
but they were totally sweet to me and gave me a nod in the introduction of the film.
i don’t know if any of you have ever heard Scream Club, but they were there also … because their song was featured in the film too!
they’re actually pretty bad ass.
as much as i like scream club, i was still proud to have my song featured not once but twice in the film.
in masonic news, we played 2 shows last week: the beauty bar and then on the radio (krtu.org) in san antonio.
actually, speaking of san antonio, my porn star name is Sam Antonio — i’ll explain some other time, but i didn’t grow up on antonio st.
that would the second beauty bar i’ve played at.
the san diego beauty bar had the makings of one of my best shows ever, but a jagermeister-induced-narcoleptic-blood-sugar-drop turned the last minute of an otherwise great set into a sad, anticlimactic, no-applause ending……
ahhh, jagermeister. he’s my best friend and worst enemy at the same time…
but i digress…
i really enjoyed hearing my song tonight as the backdrop of 2 lesbians building sexual tension.
is this rich tapestry of hot girl-on-girl action soundtracked by my music the much-needed inspiration i’ve been waiting for to break me out of my 2-year long writer’s block?
is the first time i’ve revealed that i have the writer’s block?
yeah.
anyhoo, masonic is doing very well and we’re all extremely happy with the feedback we’ve been receiving.
so this year wasn’t an entire waste… even though i disowned it in march.
thanks universe!
luv,
t
i thought neil diamond was gay.
turns out, he writes songs about having sex with 12 year old daughters of assassinated presidents.
that’s not hot at all.
i will guarantee you this: i won’t ever write a song about a 12 year old girl whose father was an assassinated elected official.
in other news, masonic is doing really well!
we’re still getting radio play here in town, and we’re finally starting to book some shows.
next week, we’re playing the beauty bar and live on a radio station in san antonio.
then, we’re gonna play on the moon and date lance armstrong.
hi folks!
even though i’m pretty much off the hook, save for $900 in tickets and fines yet to pay, i still think friday nite lights sucks.
having said that, i’m in no way implying that i drove through the set of friday nite lights in an effort to cleanse the austin talent pool.
all i’m saying is that friday nite lights sucks.
oh sure, i could hyperbolize the relationship that my arresting officer has with his own mother by suggesting that he is sexually attracted to her.
but that’s not my style.
i mean, of course, it would be easy for an outside observer to imagine that the officer who arrested me may not only like having intercourse with his own mother, but also with young children…
…young male children.
now, i don’t really have to detail any of those proposed ideas because it really isn’t the point of this blog posting.
the point of this blog posting is really just to let you know that friday nite lights, the television show and movie, sucks.
you know what? the book sucked too.
so, i feel like this is all cleared up now, and none of you reading this can or should infer that i actually am guilty of doing anything that an ordinary, reasonable person would not have done.
you know what else?
MASONIC is getting airplay on the ‘alternative’ radio station here in Austin.
that’s actually really good, if you live here. especially because there are probably 1000 bands in this town.
it feels really good about hearing yourself on the radio, even if it is sandwiched between Staind and Silverchair.
would friday nite lights still suck if they put us on their soundtrack for this season?
answer: yes.
wait! no.
no, wait! yes.
aww, who am i kidding? if they put us on their soundtrack, you will probably see me wearing a giant FNL shirt to bed every night.
with some FNL panties.
luv,
t
well, i got another phil collins record today.
this one in the form of a cassette tape!
from new jersey!
i hate phil collins.
with everything that is holy on this green earth, god damn do i hate phil collins.
i would pay money to kick him in the small of his back until he pees blood.
WOW!
in other news, i went to marfa the week before last and had a blast.
and by blast, i got sick and didn’t do shit except sleep in the most expensive house i’ve ever been in.
and last weekend i went to the renaissance festival.
why? because bobby the cock and his lovely wife, cheri, invited us.
and it was fun!
in more music-related news, the masonic album has been pressed on a short run: 50 copies for now.
… to send to press and radio stations…
it’s available now on itunes!
here is the link!
it’s good, and not just because i’m on it!
word.
t
hi folks!
a while back, i got an email on myspace from a grrl who said she was making a movie.
she asked me if it would be alright to use one of my songs.
so, after 200+ pages of binding legal contracts, agreements, and notarized statements, we had a deal!
the movie is called lusty limbless lesbos and damn it looks good!
so i’m gonna see my song, ‘thinking about you, thinking about me’, up on the big screen with hot girl-on-girl amputee gore action!
also, it’s premiering tonite at my favorite bar in austin: THE COCKPIT!!!
i’ll give you 3 guesses about what kind of bar it is.
okay, two.
in other news, i got some new anonymous phil collins crap in the mail!
not only did the kind person send me ANOTHER copy of Face Value on Vinyl, Featuring Phil’s 1981 Smash Hit, In The Air Tonite;
but i also got a No Jacket Required cassette tape!!!
WOW!
all the way from 1985!!!!
GOD DAMN!!!!
not only do i need a record player, but i also now need a cassette player!!
OH BOY!!!
first of all the damon o benefit raised about $10,000.
so thank all of you for donating.
secondly, the first masonic show went off without any major hitches.
we were squeezed onto a tiny little stage. just next door to my favorite bar ever: the CockPit!
my next show with masonic will be at the Beauty Bar, November 11.
i will be wearing a vest there with no shirt underneath and a fedora in an effort to be cooler than everyone there.
anyhoo, i’ll be at the cockpit this weekend to see the premiere of Lusty Limbless Lesbos.
these lovely ladies have great taste in music and included my hit single, Thinking about me, Thinking about you, in their movie.
so i’m looking forward to seeing that, along with some hot girl-on-girl amputee fetish gore.
next weekend, i’ll be in marfa to see sonic youth play at the chinati thingy.
neat!
maybe i’ll play at the marfa one day?
who knows
luv,
the t
if you don’t give a fat frog’s ass about TCU and UT, or even if you do, come out to the show today.
i believe trophy’s touts itself as a sports bar anyways, so you can watch the game and come to the benefit.
doors open at 4pm.
it got written up in the chronicle, if you would like to read about it!!
i go on at 7pm, after Jad Fair and Pong.
3 of Damon’s previous bands will be performing tonite with various singers:
Dixie Waste with Jay Mallay - 9pm
Drunken Thunder with Niels - 11pm
High Divers with Gibby Haynes - 12pm
featuring yours truly on the bass.
i’m not just a pretty face.
here’s the last.fm version!
luv,
t
|
|
freedom isn’t free!
it costs about US$4000.
but i will say this: I DON’T CARE WHO HE OR SHE IS, YOUR LAWYER SUCKS!!
now, why would i say that?
well, because there is no way in hell that your lawyer could have possibly done what mine did today.
let’s go back, shall we?
around this time last year, a certain very handsome fellow who may or may not have had 6 Maker’s and Sodas decided that he would drive his truck home from the Longbranch Inn.
well, since he didn’t want to do anything illegal by u-turning in the middle of the street, he decided to turn right down a dark, unlit 10th street. noticing that it was dark, he saw a barricade trying to block his right turn. but that barricade was no match for his 1991 Ford F150. so he decided to go around the barricade.
as mr. handsome drove down the dark unlit street, suddenly he saw many friendly faces running towards his truck. he thought they were trying to soak in his handsomeness. but those friendly faces weren’t friendly at all. in fact, they were yelling at our hero. yelling bad and mean things at him. so, naturally, mr. handsome hero decided to ignore them.
as he looked further down the street, he noticed another barricade, just like the one he had just driven around. except this time, there was a policeman leaning on the side of his car watching mr. herohandsome. and this policeman wasn’t very friendly either.
as it turns out, our hero had driven onto the set of Friday Night Lights. a crappy tv show about high school football that has less to do with the book than the shitty movie that was made from it.
it also turns out that our hero had fucked up a bunch of people’s evening. a bunch of unfriendly-faced people’s shitty tv show evening. who were willing to testify against our hero. even though our hero would be willing to bet that all those same unfriendly people have and still do exactly what he may or may not have done that evening.
let’s cut to today.
i walked into court expecting to get a conviction of a dwi, 2 years probation or the option of jailtime, a shit ton in court costs and fines, and some community service peppered in there.
on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best (a dismissal of all charges), i was expecting about a 2 or 3. in other words, the shittiest lawyer in the world (YOURS) could have got me that and i could have still assaulted a witness.
but my wonderful –NAY– MAGICAL attorney, Charlie Grant, got me a 9!
that’s right! he got that shit dismissed with deferred prosecution.
don’t ask me what that means, but it’s a whole lot cheaper! god damn!!!
it really means that i agree to plead guilty and pay for a couple of tickets.
but if i don’t fuck up for a year, it gets dismissed and wiped off my record.
also, my dentist is a bad ass too, but i will save that for another post.
here is his website.
(i’m not rich, whole foods just has badass insurance.)
to be brief, he doesn’t use mercury, blah blah blah, has cable tv goggles, and lasers and shit.
but to sum up the day: not only is my dentist better than yours, BUT MY LAWYER IS A GENIUS!!!!!!
oh, and come to the show at trophy’s this saturday.
luv,
the t.
once upon a time, there was a little bunny rabbit with an awkward speech impediment caused by a cleft palate.
the saliva on the bunny’s cleft palate would dry out and smell like vinegar brewed in the asscrack of a homeless person with the gout, but only slightly more vinegary.
but that has nothing to do with the show this weekend!
come see me! and buy some artwork from gibby, jad, and billy bishop!
luv,
the t
—————– Bulletin Message —————–
From: HONKY
Date: Sep 3, 2007 9:03 PM
DAMONFEST draws nearer y’all:
Someone requested a repost, can’t find it so hears a new post.
Sat. Sept. 8th @ TROPHY’S on S. Congress .
MUSIC, FOOD, DRANKS, and a SILENT AUCTION done by a Mute Auctioneer.
Doors are @ 4:00
5:00 Jad Fair ( w/ one of the original Half Japanese lineups )
6:00 PONG ( unmasked )
7:00 TOOF
8:00 Unicorn Magic ( 11 year reunion show )
9:00 Dixe Waste
10:00 HONKY
11:00 Drunken Thunder ( w/ Neils makin Damon proud )
12:00 the High Divers ( w/ Gibby Haynes on vocals need i say more )
1:00 Silent Auction Bid Winner Results
Whole Foods is Donating Grill -Ables out of the kindness of their sweet hippie hearts.
It’s gonna be so huge Trophy’s is renting a port-a-john .
A Celebration of Damon’s Life and Spirit
Blue Skies and Sunshine,
pinkus
well, i’m in houston (actually, i’m all the up in porter, tx) with leslie o preparing for the long ass day and nite of celebrating damon.
i loved the guy, but i’m not sure i can stand 15 bands.
i’m just kidding, he would have done it for me.
but i would have let him stop after 5!
:) smiley face
anyhoo, there are a lot of people from austin coming to town today and it should be fun.
the austin show on september 8 at trophy’s has been confirmed.
and although i still don’t have any new material ready, i will bring the proverbial ‘it’ in memory of the guy who claimed to be the one who hated firemen first. even though that was me, and he just stole the idea, but now he’s not around to debate the issue anymore. at least we both knew that all firemen start the fires that they put out just so they can stay in business. i’m not a conspiracy-freak-tree-hugging-liberal! it’s not a conspiracy unless it’s not true!
anyhoo, here is the line up, which is god damn impressive!
i get to play with Jad Fair!!! that’s fucking awesome!
i think he is going on first, because he has an art show later on that evening, so that means i will be third.
hope to see you there!
JAD FAIR
PONG
TOOF
UNICORN MAGIC (11 year reunion)
DIXIE WASTE
HONKY
the HIGH DIVERS w/ GIBBY HAYNES Guest Vocalizing
hey gang!
sorry about not posting since june 10th, but it’s been quite an eventful summer.
out with the old, in with the new.
new job, new band, new friends.
so here’s the scoop.
masonic and i have been practicing and/or recording for the last couple of months, and we’re putting the finishing touches on that new cd. after that, we will take it to the good-time, down-home, giddy-up, yeehaw mastering plant and truckstop barbecue. we thought about sending it to abbey road studios. but for some reason, we don’t have $3000 in our bank accounts. so, we will take it to jerry tubb, instead. and really, austin is lucky to have such a badass mastering facility here in town. jerry tubb is the proverbial TITS when it comes to mastering. when john mason is ready, i will post some links to the rough mixes and let you guys hear what the new songs sound like. in the meantime, you can click here to hit them up on myspace to be their friends.
as for what’s new in toof news, i will be playing a show at trophy’s on september 8th. it will be a benefit show for Damon O’Banion, who passed away in march. we’ll be raising money for ravyn’s college fund. Honky will be the headliners, i’m pretty sure. i don’t plan on playing too early, but i have no idea what the order will be.
there is some talk that Gibby Haynes will be singing some songs with the Highdivers, but don’t quote me on that. So if you are a fan of Gibby, or Honky, or even me for that matter, then you should come on out and donate whatever you’d like to spare.
i’ll be posting more details as i find out.
i will also not wait 8 weeks to write another post again!
luv,
t
hey y’all!
i’m sorry!
somewhere along the time i was writing music and playing shows, i must have forgotten that this website was initially developed so that you could spank it to Mariah Carey’s retarded half-sister, jennifer toof.
i know this because my ’stats’ page lets me know what search terms you folks use to get to this website.
i realize you’re probably holding your wang with the hand you write with, and that this is probably an erection-killing dissapointment to you.
and believe me, i’m truly sorry about that.
but can i ask you one question?
is she really the best you could look for on the internet?
i mean, really?
i could park my pickup truck on her shiny-ass forehead!
what’s hot about putting your father in a leglock?
i know for a fact that there are younger, hotter, better-shaped, prettier, less-retarded-looking, less-shiny, smaller-forehead-having, less-daddy-issue-having sluts peppered ALL OVER the interweb.
and that gives YOU the power of CHOICE!
so you should be exercising that choice!
if you were given the choice between a hyundai and a lexus, would you choose the hyundai?
i didn’t think so.
so go wash your filthy hands and quit whacking it to low-rent, retarded women.
have some dignity.
and buy one of my cds too.
thank you!
t
today, i brought some crappy cold medicine back to the store from which they were purchased and got my money back - no questions asked.
then, i pawned a mixer i never use to pay a bill and got more money than i really probably should have. i feel kinda bad for that kid, but i needed the money. now i’m all caught up on my bills, finally.
then, i went to the rehearsal space and enjoyed being there all by myself and turning my bass amp up to 11 and musically masturbating in the privacy of the empty warehouse with 20 ounces of iced coffee coarsing through my veins.
after the brilliance in the rehearsal space was over (aka the coffee buzz wore off), i went to austin’s version of in-n-out burger, p. terry’s, which serves its purpose quite well here.
lastly, as i walked up to my apartment, i saw that there was a package waiting for me at my front door.
no return address?
very flat. just a piece of cardboard folded in half and taped.
as i opened the mystery package, i half expected a puff of anthrax to explode in my face.
but it was quite the opposite.
it was Phil Collin’s 1981 hit album in all its vinyl glory: Face Value
featuring the hit single that i used to roller skate to: In My Hair Tonite
and then i realized: i have the best friends in the world.
even though i have no idea who sent it.
and no record player.
but i don’t care, because it’s awesome that someone sent this anonymously!
luv,
t